Jimmy Carr Stand-Up

By | February 16, 2020


[ Cheers and applause ] -When Donald Trump first took
to office, little did he know. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter and applause ] ‘Course — Of course,
Donald Trump ran on a campaign saying that he wanted
to build a wall. I think that’s
his one good idea, because walls work. [ Light laughter ]
It’s irrefutable. I was in China last year —
I didn’t see one Mexican. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter continues ] I would —
I would think about adoption. I don’t have kids,
but if I had kids, I think
I would have them adopted. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter continues ] I had
a very awkward moment onstage where someone from right
in the back of the room shouted, “Are you ever going to have
children?!” I said, “It’s a perfectly
reasonable question. I don’t want to make you
feel bad for asking, but my girlfriend and I
actually can’t have children…” [ Audience aws ] “…the way we do it.” [ Laughter ] [ Laughter and applause ] [ Laughter continues ] Does anyone in the room
believe in the supernatural — ghosts, spirts, and the like —
anyone? [ Cheers and applause ] It’s actually easy to tell
if your house is haunted. It isn’t.
[ Laughter ] Grow up. Uh.
[ Laughter ] 10% of women have cried
in a store fitting room. I guess they weren’t expecting
to see me in there. [ Laughter ] People worry about
their physical appearance. We all have silly hang-ups. Personally, I worry that
one of my balls is bigger than the other two. [ Laughter ] I think you know
you’re getting old. I feel that I’m getting old. I was watching porn last week,
and I found myself thinking, “That bed looks comfy.” [ Laughter ] [ Laughter and applause ] [ Laughter continues ] If my grandmother knew how much
money I spent on her funeral, she would be spinning
in her ditch. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter continues ] [ Laughs ] People ask,
what’s the most important thing in a relationship? And I think trust. Because if you’re with a woman
and you don’t 100% trust her, how do you know she’s
not going to tell your wife? [ Laughter ] Have you all had
the sexual-history conversation? It’s the conversation
that happens about maybe six months
into a relationship when things are getting
a little bit serious. And it tends to be the woman
will ask the man. She’ll say, “I’d like to know
about your sexual history.” And the man will think,
“No, you wouldn’t.” [ Laughter ] But in my experience,
the woman doesn’t ask once and then move on
if you do not want to answer. She keeps on asking and asking
and asking, till, eventually, you feel like
you have you to give an answer. It’s what happened with me.
I was cornered. I had to list everyone
I’d ever been with, from the girl
I lost my virginity to, right the way up to her. And that is where
I should have stopped. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter continues ] I told my girlfriend
my ultimate sexual fantasy was to have two women
at the same time, and she agreed. But then she was livid
when I told her she wasn’t either of them. [ Audience ohhs ] [ Light laughter ] A couple of weeks ago,
I failed to perform sexually. I’m not going to go into detail. Suffice it to say,
I…arrived early. [ Light laughter ]
And my girlfriend said, “Don’t worry —
that happens to a lot of men.” I said,
“Right, couple of things — firstly, who are these
a lot of men?” [ Laughter ]
“And secondly, if it’s happening
to more than one of us, don’t you think
it could be your fault?” [ Audience ohhs ] [ Laughter ] I had a relationship
with a blind girl, which was rewarding,
but challenging. It took me ages to get
her husband’s voice right. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter and applause ] Let’s — Let’s hear it from
all the ladies in the room. Give us a shout,
all the ladies in the room. [ Cheers and applause ] Well, you sound
in very good spirits, ladies. Do you think you’re easy
to live with, ladies? [ Women cheer ] Well, this is gonna be
educational and fun. [ Laughter ] I’m gonna tell you how easy
you are to live with just with a couple
of quick questions. Ladies, just answer honestly. Have you ever met, ladies,
a gay man? -Yes.
-Yes. [ Cheers and applause ]
-You’ve all met gay men. Have you ever noticed how happy
homosexual men tend to be? -Yes.
-Yes. -How joyful and full of life
those gay dudes tend to be? [ Laughter ] What’s missing from their lives? [ Laughter ] You. [ Cheers and applause ] I’ve been Jimmy Carr.
That’s my time. Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause continue ] ♪♪ [ Indistinct conversation ] -Jimmy Carr!
[ Cheers and applause continue ] Check out his comedy special, “The Best
of Ultimate Gold Greatest Hits,” available now on Netflix!

100 thoughts on “Jimmy Carr Stand-Up

  1. Daniel Vousden Post author

    British humour (especially Jimmy Carr) has a sharper edge to it. It hurts a bit, but it feels better, a bit like anal

    Reply
  2. John Stephen Post author

    Jimmy Carr shouldn't do American shows. He has lost his 'spark' and his style has been seriously cramped. It doesn't allow for his usual creative, bouncy-original comic-self. Which appears openly on UK shows.

    Reply
  3. branko gobec Post author

    Great another comedian ruined by the left! Thanks

    Reply
  4. Kiba Post author

    To all the people saying oh no he had to restrict himself you should watch his special dumbasses he didnt dumb those jokes down at all they were already profanity free

    Reply
  5. Dane Byrd Post author

    His “clean” jokes felt more offensive and problematic then his actual material on British shows

    Reply
  6. Cicolas Nage Post author

    HAHAHA HE SAID THE ORANGE MAN BAD BIT AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

    Reply
  7. HowdyxB Post author

    That last one was perfect, all of the women didn't know how to react. If i'm triggered I might offend my gay friends, what a horrible conundrum.

    Reply
  8. Rayne12x Post author

    I like how he intentionally slows down so Americans get the jokes in a British accent.

    Reply
  9. thompson223 Post author

    I wanna see Frankie Boyle perform in front of an American audience. No holds barred just the raw Frankie experience. Could even be the title of the show

    Reply
  10. The Doshus Post author

    I love Jimmy Carr, but I didn’t even smirk during this.

    Reply
  11. Heleve Joergon Post author

    Aside from Kevin Hart, the top 10 most beloved comedians are Atheists.

    Reply
  12. Maarten van der Poel Post author

    00:54 he told that joke already in an earlier routine.. 03:45 and also that one!

    Reply
  13. Aseem Sharma Post author

    2:03 phantom fallon. but this time his laugh isn't fake

    Reply
  14. snaz76 Post author

    I don’t understand why he doesn’t give them the Carr-treatment instead of all these one-liners.

    Reply
  15. ben smith Post author

    hi,you are so funny, laugh out loud funny,so original in this day and age,but unfortunately not on the jimmy fallon show,who is also funny but safer,thanks,

    Reply
  16. Premiumboxingtips Predictions Post author

    Is it part of the deal that you have to mock President Trump to get on that show? If he wasn’t doing such amazing job it may even be moderately funny.

    Reply
  17. Shadow IV Post author

    Late night talk shows are a tough crowd. You have to have PG humor. You can hear the audience pull back on a few of those jokes. I love Jimmy Carr. His humor isn't for everyone!

    Reply
  18. Dariush Asadi Post author

    Jimmy's like thinking to himself, "oh God these Americans are such a challenge! Let's see if this is going well…"

    Reply
  19. Dariush Asadi Post author

    Jimmy did his signature laugh once… Once…

    Reply
  20. Ben H Post author

    I swear he hasn't told a new joke in about 8 years

    Reply
  21. Craig Post author

    Jimmy is absolutely class lol is he’s just now being recognised in the US..? 👏 ☝🏼

    Reply
  22. PSP Post author

    Jimmy Carr is much much funnier than than the other Jimmy which show he is on

    Reply
  23. Murr Post author

    comment about how british humor is better than american bullshit

    Can I get my likes now?

    Reply
  24. Danish Hariz Post author

    He looks like Richard Nixon, just by the way.

    Reply
  25. Patrick Nguyen Post author

    He’s too good for quick feature on Fallon’s late night.

    Reply
  26. Abhay Kulkarni Post author

    Garbage crowd. Rubbish host. Top notch Carr.

    Reply
  27. Bill Strathearn Post author

    This is a weird way to come out of the closet

    Reply
  28. Muhammad Alfakah Post author

    Love that he went for trump the more popular his name the better chance he gets in 2020🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

    Reply
  29. Rob Smith Post author

    Americans are just too dense to get good humour.

    Reply
  30. SliK Post author

    Who else has heard these jokes from Netflix?
    Still funny af tho.

    Reply
  31. Konstantine Kobalia Post author

    What kind of crap is this? Did they dress someone as Jimmy? Fucking hell! This is not even a close to real Jimmy his jokes are funnier, evil and 100th times better than this shit!

    Reply
  32. JuneAnn Brusie Post author

    pay attention Fallon, that is what an actual comedian sounds like.

    Reply
  33. Kunal Pathak Post author

    What is this shows obsession to show Jimmy Fallon laugh like an idiot ?!!

    Reply
  34. 1tired citizen Post author

    Jimmy Carr reminds me of Rodney Dangerfield in that their jokes never get old. If you laughed the first time you heard their jokes you will also laugh the tenth time, too.

    Reply
  35. Sharif Sourour Post author

    Wow! There have been some awesome monologues on here lately!

    Reply
  36. cinevile Post author

    jimmy carr in the US is like thanos but with empty gauntlet

    Reply
  37. Horny Fruit Flies Post author

    Jimmy Carr: "This isn't even my final form"

    Reply
  38. Brian Teo Post author

    Youuuuuuuu💀💀💀💀💀

    Someone tag my ex

    Reply
  39. Yafet Shibeshi Post author

    I don't know why America censors it's not like there is a single person in the country that doesn't use profanity

    Reply
  40. Chunni L Post author

    As an Amerifat who's been watching Carr for 10 years, of course he was going to tone it down for hyper-sensitive American network TV.
    I'm happy they had him on at all. I got to laugh at his jokes, and the reactions.
    PS Imagine him in front of Colbert's audience. Ew.

    Reply
  41. The Mongoose Post author

    Fuckin love the blind girl joke. Makes me laugh every time.

    Reply
  42. Lucrian Post author

    Can someone explain the little did he know joke to me
    I'm german and might miss the punchline there

    Reply
  43. G.D MEAD Post author

    going to America and re running the same jokes huh? Come on Jimmy, even the YANKS AINT THAT STOOPID.

    Reply
  44. Michael Lusk Post author

    Fallon's show is too far left PC for Jimmy to actually use free speech…too bad.

    Reply
  45. Yafet Shibeshi Post author

    American tv is so pretentious. All most the whole country swears and including kids why are there censors still in some networks

    Reply
  46. Poopski McJetski Post author

    I had a relationship with a blind girl and it was amazing bit challenging. It took me ages to her husbands voice right. 😂

    Reply
  47. BusyBasaz Post author

    Some jokes didn't go over too well but all in all I think the crowd was good. Was great to hear some middle-aged american guy laugh on the top of his lungs.

    Reply
  48. Reece A Post author

    Again with the trump jokes what a libtard NPC, not a surprise you were a virgin until you were 25

    Reply
  49. Craig 75 Post author

    "If men fall asleep straight after sex, why is it so hard to catch a rapist"? – Jimmy Carr

    Reply
  50. Duff Harris Post author

    I saw him at the Comedy Cellar in NYC about 5-6 years ago and he genuinely seemed confused that nobody responded to his jokes in the way that British audiences do. He wanted the audience to participate but it’s very taboo here to shout anything while a performer is on stage.

    Reply
  51. Hellwyck Post author

    For those who think PG-13 Jimmy is weird, try watching Bob Monkhouse.

    Reply
  52. Dean Shaw Post author

    jimmy looked like he was ready to dodge bullets for the trump jokes

    Reply
  53. Dariush Asadi Post author

    I could see Jimmy trying desperately to not reach to his ultimate form.

    Reply
  54. Amaar Amin Post author

    If you guys looked at his old videos, you'll know that these jokes are recycled. These same jokes were used in UK with the UK audience.

    Reply
  55. Martin Alberter Post author

    He talks so slowly on American T.V like he's talking to idiots…wait

    Reply
  56. Lee Fisher Post author

    He had to talk slow so that the American crowd would actually get the jokes

    Reply

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