“Don’t Google Your Islam-Related Questions – Ismael Loutfi – Bill Burr Presents: The Ringers”

By | January 25, 2020


I know a lot about one thing. I know a lot about Islam. I’m a Muslim. Any Muslims here? (single laugh) (audience cheers) I’m so Muslim. I’m okay with questions, too. A lot of people of
color will do this thing where they’ll be like, “Hey,
whitey, if you have a question “about me and my
background, don’t ask me. “I don’t speak
for all my people. “If you have a question
about me and my background, “Google that shit.” As a Muslim, don’t
Google that shit, okay? The internet’s not our friend. If you Google “Muslim” half
the results are conservatives going, “They’re all in ISIS.” And then the other
half of the results are ISIS going,
“We’re all in ISIS.” You know what I mean? They’re on Twitter. They have followers,
they have clout. They have some pretty funny
content, let’s be real. Don’t go to the internet with
your Muslim-related questions. Go to a Muslim. And if you’re sitting
here and you’re like, “Well, what if I don’t
know any Muslims? “How will I ask them a question? “How do I do that?” Well, there’s actually an
app that will send Muslims directly to you. It’s called Uber
(audience laughs) and the way it works, you hit one button, a guy
named Mansur will show up in three minutes
in a Toyota Camry. (audience laughs) You don’t have to go anywhere. You can just get in there,
just, “Sharia law, go.” He’ll tell you.
(audience laughs) He’ll tell you everything. Hijabs, anything you
want to talk about, Mansur will tell you. People think of it
as a ride share app. It’s a Muslim delivery service. I call it and it says
Khaled is on his way. It’s Khaled, five stars. I go, “Oh shit, all right. “Khaled, here we go.” And he shows up and
I get in the back of the Toyota Camry. I close the door. And then the same thing happens. I get in, he looks at his
phone and he looks at me. He’s like, “Ismael?” He says my name super Arab. “Isma-eel aye (gurgles).” “Ismael aye aah ein.” We have secret letters,
we’re evil, anyway. But he says that to check me, just to make sure
that I’m not actually Puerto Rican somehow. He just says that, “Ismael,” and I’ll be like, “Yes,
as-salamu alaykum, what’s going on, (speaks
in foreign language).” He gets excited. He’s like, “(speaks
in foreign language).” He gets so excited. And, yeah. And we can all accept at this
point in the app’s history, that Uber, you’re gonna have
to have some small talk, right? There’s gonna be some. Maybe you’ll try to avoid it, but there’s gonna be some
small talk, which is fine. The only issue is that
Arab-to-Arab small talk gets dark fast. I don’t know if you
know the Middle East. It’s not happy right now. That is some in 30 seconds
it is zero to genocide. It is dark. ‘Cause I get in the
back of the car, he’s like, “Ismael.” I’m like, “Yeah, (speaks
in foreign language).” And he’s like, “(speaks
in foreign language).” And then inevitably he’s
like, “Where are you from?” And I’m like, “Syria.” Yeah, every time, every time. (laughs) Yeah, exactly. I go, “I’m from Syria.” And then every time
without failing he goes, “Man, what happened to your
country is fucked up, man! “Oh, President Bashar
al-Assad is an evil man “for what he did to the
innocent Syrian people. “Allah God will curse
him for 1,000 years “for what he did to the
innocent Syrian people. “Allah curse him,
and his children, “and his children’s
children’s blood will soak “into the molten core of the
earth for 1,000,” and the Chinese girl
who’s also in the pool is like, “I’ll just get out,
wherever you want me to be. “I don’t need to be a part “of this moment you
two are having.” I’m like, “Jennifer,
you are in this with us. “Jennifer, you have to
experience this with me.” I’m not even really from
Syria, is the funny part. I’m ethnically Syrian, but
I grew up in the South. I’m from Florida. (audience whoops) Ah, yeah. (winces) Ha ha, “Florida.” I’ve heard every joke. “Yeah, Florida’s
worse than Syria.” Fuck you. Fuck you guys. Nah, nah, fuck that. Everybody shits on Florida. You guys never even
set foot in the state. Yeah, it sucks. But you gotta live there. You got to experience that shit. The worst thing is other
southerners shit on Florida. Other southerners give us, there are southerners
in this room who hear me call myself a southerner
and they’re like, “Nah, you ain’t a
southerner, buddy. “You a Floridian.” Fuck you, bro. Fuck you. “Nah, dude, you
ain’t from the South. “You from Florida, it’s
a little bit different.” Why? Why? Why is it different? “‘Cause you got Cubans.” That’s the reason. Too many Cubans for it to count. We got biscuits. We got cheese grits. Come on, man. I’ve had a dude from
Kentucky come up to me like, “Hey, dude, you’re
not really from the South, “by the way, you’re
from Florida.” I’m like, “Bro, you guys
weren’t even in the Confederacy. “You didn’t even have
slaves, motherfucker.” I’m like, “What am I defending? “How did I get there?”

21 thoughts on ““Don’t Google Your Islam-Related Questions – Ismael Loutfi – Bill Burr Presents: The Ringers”

  1. stephen rampersad Post author

    his delivery and timing are off,but he haves potential

    Reply
  2. Adriel Akello Post author

    Ok, but why is he right😂😂😂 I googled what the principles of Islam were, and I got, “ALLAH IS ACTUALLY SATAN?!”

    Reply
  3. Ishmael Johnson Post author

    This fool looks like he's Mexican. I would know I'm Mexican

    Reply
  4. Justin Register Post author

    That clap back at the dude from Kentucky was brilliant. I really like this guy. He’s an extremely good comedian.

    Reply
  5. H S Post author

    But don’t trust all uber guys to answer questions correctly lol

    Reply
  6. 1misanthropist Post author

    Google is biased trash on the topic. According to Google, Islam can do no wrong. Use another browser.

    Reply
  7. Twilight Gardens presentations Post author

    I can’t get in an Uber without either getting too much Muslim love or Russian hatred for my name!

    Reply
  8. Amanda Phillips Post author

    This was great👏👏👏 my god this guy is hilarious 💯👏👏

    Reply

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