David: *snore* Pine. David: *snore* Cedar. *snore* Gwen: Goooood morning, David! David: Goooood morning, Gwen! David: Wait- this feels backwards..?
Gwen: Yep! Gwen: But today’s the day! David: *gasp* You’ve realized your love of Camp Campbell and everything it stands for?! Gwen: HELL NO! David: “Help… Wanted?”
Gwen: That’s right. Gwen: Found a stash of cash Campbell hid in the quartermaster’s store behind a box of grenades. David: I don’t know, Gwen. Gwen: Are you sure we really need more help? *window breaks* *grenade hits the floor* Nikki: Sorry, foul ball! Gwen: YES. *furious knocking* ???: Hello, I’m here for the job listing? Gwen: Oh, my God! Yes! This is… ???: Gooood morning! *inhales, then exhales* ???: Smell that fresh mountain air! ???: Gosh, now that’s the kind of nature you don’t just find in any ol’ neck of the woods. Gwen: Oh dear lord no. David: Hello?
???: Oh, well, hello there friend! ???: Where are my manners? Daniel: My name is Daniel, Daniel: Your camp counselor applicant. Daniel: I hope I’m not too late to submit my resume. David: Too late? You’re the first one! Daniel: Ha! Are you pulling my leg? David: No leg-pulling here, but we are keen on handshakes! Daniel: Well, who isn’t? David: The name’s David. Daniel: Pleasure to meet you, David.
David: The pleasure’s all mine, Daniel. David: So, what sort of experience do you have? Daniel: Well, sadly, my old camp was recently shut down. Daniel: And ever since, I’ve been searching night and day Daniel: for a new group of eager young kiddos I can help to educate and reach their full potential! David: Did ya’ hear that Gwen? I think we just hit the jackpot! David: This was a great idea!
Gwen: Y’know… Gwen: I think now’s the perfect time for me to use my vacation days. Both: Aw, Gwen, are you sure? *Car drives off* David: Well, more fun for us! Come on, Daniel. David: I think you’re gonna fit in here juuuust fine! Daniel: I think so too David! I think so too… David: OHHHHH~ There’s a place I know
That’s tucked away; A place where you and I can stay Where we can go to laugh and play, And have adventures everyday! I know it sounds hard to believe But guys and gals it’s true, Camp Campbell is the place for me and you! We’ll swim through lakes and climb up trees; Catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees! There’s endless possibilities, And no, that’s not hyperbole! Our motto’s “CAMPE DIEM”
And that means I’m telling you We’ve got: Archery, Hiking, Search & Rescue, Biking, Horseback, Training that will save you from a heart attack, Scuba diving, Miming, Keeping up with Rhyming,
Football, Limbo, Science, Stunting, Pre-Calc, Spaceships, Treasure hunting,
Bomb defusal, No refusal, Fantasy, Circus trapeze, and Fights,
and Ghosts, and Paints, and Snakes, and Knives, and Chess, and Dance, and Weights– It’s Camp Camp! David: And that concludes my presentation on what is, and is not, a baseball. David: So, any questions? David: Yes, Max. Max: Who the fuck is that?! David: Why, what an excellent question! David: Campbell campers, I’d like you all to give a warm welcome to our newest co-counselor, Daniel! Daniel: Howdy kiddos! Space Kid: Howdy-do Daniel! Max: You’ve got to be shitting me. Daniel: Whoa, watch the language there little fella! David: Watch the language indeed! David: Just because Daniel here is new, doesn’t mean you should treat him any different David: than you treat me. Nikki: Got it! Max: He IS you, David! Save for the outfit. Max: Seriously, freakshow.
What’s with the cult leader getup? *ominous music*
Daniel: You must be Max. I’ve heard aaaaall about you. Max: Okay? David: Daniel, I am SO sorry about this TERRIBLE behavior. Daniel: Oh don’t you worry, co-counselor. Daniel: They’re just, “raggin’ on the new guy”. Daniel: I thought this might happen, and so for my first day as camp counselor, Daniel: I’ve prepared several exercises that are gonna help cleanse all of us Daniel: of our negative emotions! David: Well, that sounds WONDERFUL! David: You kids are definitely in good hands. David: I’ll go finish up your employment paperwork. David: In the meantime, try not to have too much fun without me! David: Just kidding, have all the fun you want! *door slams* Daniel: Sooo, children… Daniel: Is there anybody here who has an interest in… SPACE? Space Kid: OOH! OOH!! Oh, me! Me!!! Daniel: Oh, really? Well, that’s WONDERFUL! Space Kid: Yeah… I know all sorts of stuff about space. Daniel: Well, did you know that all negative emotions actually come FROM space? Space Kid: Uh. Well, I…. No. I-I didn’t. Daniel: It’s true! Daniel: Our atmosphere is under constant bombardment from negative emotions tied to dark toxins! *ominous music starts*
Daniel: These toxins cling to the matter left over from the Big Bang, Daniel: meaning that even if we’re all pure of heart at birth, Daniel:we’re bathing in a negative-rich
environment every SECOND! Space Kid: Whooooaaa. Neil: Oookay, I’mma stop you right there. Neil: Are you suggesting that the massive explosion responsible for the creation of the universe Neil: is also responsible for some sort
of endless, radioactive evil? Daniel: Oh, no. Not at all! Daniel: The Big Bang didn’t create the universe! It was just a side effect of the Millenia Wars, started by Xemüg and the Galactic Confederacy! Neil: Riiiight. *ominous music*
Daniel: You must be Neil. Daniel: David told me about you were quite the… inquisitive little fellow. Neil: He-hey, buddy. let’s try to recognize some… personal space here. Daniel: Why do you feel the need to question everything, Neil? What good has it led to? Neil: Well. For one, I’m not walking around,
talking about “Xemüg”. Daniel: But, are you happy with your life? Are you at peace? Or do you find yourself filled with anxiety and doubt? Doesn’t the world seem awfully scary? Nerf: It DOES! Daniel: Well, what if I told you it didn’t have to be? Nerf: I don’t really know what you’re selling here, Daniel… …but I am BUYING it! Daniel: Then help me, help you. ..Help others! YEAH! I’M HELPING!! Daniel: Excellent! Now who else wants to help and reach ascension? Max: Oh my fuck, he’s ACTUALLY- Max: A CULTIST! YOU HIRED A FUCKING CULTIST, YOU IDIOT! David: Whoa, whoa! What’s wrong, kids? And why aren’t you with Daniel? Oh. You mean the bat-shit crazy cult leader YOU just put in charge of the camp!?! Again with these cult jokes, Max? Please. Neil: He gave everyone a “de-toxification diet”, then started spouting off Latin from a book with a pentagram! He’s bilingual, AND cares about nutrition? Nikki: Hey, David? David: Yes, Nikki? WAKE UP AND SMELL THE KOOL-AID! *smack* If you don’t believe us, then come see for yourself. Daniel: Well! What a pleasant surprise! David, kids! Welcome! *in unison* Welcome! David: Wowzers Daniel! This all looks incredible! What’s it for? Daniel: Why, it’s to celebrate, of course! Your campers have all been SO cooperative, and by the end of the day, I know everyone here will be cleansed of their hateful ways and ready to ascend to the next level! Nikki: Hey, where ARE the campers? Daniel: Most are helping prepare for today’s festivities, But a few of them are still hangin’ around in the Purification Sauna! David: You built a SAUNA?! Max: THAT IS NOT THE WORD TO FOCUS ON, DAVID! Daniel: Dolph, Nerf, why don’t you show your friends to the sauna? So they’ll quit worryin’, and start hurryin’.. …their way to FUN! Dolph: So… who vants to go first? Preston: PLEASE! SOMEONE HELP ME! HELP MEEEE… Neil: I would just like to point out the fucked-up implications of specifically YOU putting specifically ME into a gas chamber. Dolph: Ah! This is no gas chamber! We just use high-pressured steam, and subliminal messaging to deconstruct your psyche, and rebuild you in a form that will please the Ancient Ones! Preston: *monotone* And I love it. *gasps* Ered: Oh, hey guys. You dudes are just in time to help prep for the killer party… Nerris: Daniel says that once we’ve all been cleansed, we shall consume this wonderful elixir, and ascend to our final form. *sips* QM: Hmm. Was better in Jonestown. Nerris: Isn’t that right, Daniel? Daniel: Right you are, Nerris! (Screams) Neil: MAX! DO SOMETHING! Max: You maniac! You brainwashed the entire camp! Daniel: “Brainwashed”? No, no, no! I just appealed to their emotions, and showed them the light! People don’t wanna think, Max! They just wanna feel safe. And feelings beat facts, ANY day! Daniel: Now… Don’t you wanna feel safe, too? David: THERE YOU ARE! I was wondering where everyone had run off to! Max: DAVID! Oh, thank god! You have to stop him! He’s insane! David: Max, I have had it up to HERE with your bad behavior today! Max: But it’s all right here! Right in front of you! Proof that Daniel’s actually a religious cult leader that’s gonna brainwash and kill every last one of us! Both: We love you, Daniel… David: Well, all I see are happy faces! Great work, Daniel! Daniel: Aw, shucks. Thanks David! Aaaall right kids, let’s start pouring that punch! And prepare for Ascension! All: YAAAAAY! Max: …Fine. If THINKING is too hard, I’ll do it Daniel’s way. David, you’re right. I’ve been awfully mean today. David: Aw, it’s okay Max. I know making new friends can sometimes be a little scary. Max: Well, it’s just because… I was scared for YOU! David: For me? I mean, it’s just so OBVIOUS that Daniel’s a better camp counselor than you. David: *nervously* What are you talking about? Max: Just look at him! In one DAY, he’s managed to get everyone happy and working together! Max: Something you and Gwen could NEVER do. Everyone LOVES Daniel! All: We love you, Daniel! David: W-well, that’s good! Max: Well, Good for US, sure. But you? Once Cameron finds out that ONE camp counselor can do the job of TWO… he’s DEFINITELY gonna let you and Gwen go. Cameron: Boy, I sure am glad I fired the HECK out of those other two loser counselors! All I need is you, Daniel! And no one else. David: Nnnn.. Cameron: I SAID, no one else. David: I can’t imagine a life without Camp Campbell! But, surely Daniel can’t be THAT threatening! I mean, it’s not like EVERYONE loves him. Right, Max? …Max? Max: I love you, Daniel *gasps* David: But… that’s not right. Max doesn’t love ANYTHING! Daniel: So, David. Care to join us for a drink? David: Hmph! Daniel. I-I’m actually afraid that.. we need to let you go. I just don’t think you’re a good fit for Camp Campbell. *spooky violins* Daniel: Oh. I see. Well, it is… unfortunate you feel that way, David. David: Yeah, I’m afraid it’s just not- Daniel: HOWEVER, as far as I’m aware, I’ve successfully met every requirement listed in my job description. So, YOU don’t actually have the legal right to terminate my employment. Unless, of course, you think there’s an aspect of this job I’ve yet to uphold…? David: As a matter of fact, there IS. You may be a good camp counselor, Daniel… But what good is a camp counselor, without camp SONGS? Daniel: *gasps* Why, David… I thought you’d NEVER ask! David: *Gasp* Hmph! *guitar strum* David:
I hope this won’t sound impolite Or come across as too forthright But even though you seem alright, I… Think I’m better than you! Now please do keep this thought in mind
That’s just my personal conviction. You’re smart and fun, you’re sweet and kind-
I’d call our friendship an addiction! Your shoes are shined, your breath: dulce
But still I find I have to say, I… Think I might be better than you! *fiddle playing* Daniel: You seem impressed with what you’ve shown,
But I don’t find it that compelling. You’ve sung my praise but not your own
And well, I think that’s pretty telling. But while we’re on the subject of
How I’m superb and leagues above, you Ought to know I’m number one. I know that might be hard to swallow~ (Campers: La la la la~) This hurts you just as much as me~ (Campers: Oo-oo-oo~) But when this song is sung then you and I’ll know That you’re just a nobody! *fiddle and guitar* David:
Well friend I don’t know what to say- Daniel:
Try starting with your resignation. David:
Let’s end this in the finale Daniel:
I’m dying from anticipation! David: You’re really great, but let me state
Daniel: You’ve been outdone David: You denigrate and seem to hate
Daniel: Now I’ve really won David: The fact I break to abdicate
Daniel: But it was fun David: Before I can asphyxiate, I…
Daniel: Your end’s begun, and… David: Think I might be better than you!
Daniel: Now I know I’m better than you! David: Don’t hate me because it’s true!
Daniel: And I’ll prove it to you, too! David: Just know, I’m…
Daniel: So watch as I identify David: Better thaaaan…
Daniel: The skill to show I qualify Daniel: Like keeping up this camp charade And tricking kids to drink Kool-Aid To sacrifice them-! Oh, wait… *ambulance sirens* David: Poor guy. Must have been some bad fruit punch. Max: *sigh* You’re a moron. David: Well, kids, I guess that’s the last we’ll be seeing of Daniel. From now on, it’s just you, me, and… …Gwen? Gwen: DAVID. Fire that FUCKING weirdo, because I found us our newest camp counselor: Jen! Jen: I”m really into fashion and trashy magazines! Space Kid: Howdy, Jen!